Fathers and Sons

by Michael Rattray
Scotland
From an early age, I always felt my dad was much prouder of my older brother. I also felt my dad didn't approve of my musical talents and wished I would "just get a proper job." When I got my first band together in my teens, he never really took an interest in what I was doing and always answered me with "Yes, but will it pay the bills?" This led me to doing a course in musical instrument technology which I hated. I stuck at it for a year and then left. When I told my dad, I felt like a failure again.

I carried on writing music and playing gigs, and felt that if I made it with my music then maybe I could win his approval. However, I was different in more ways than one and, at the age of around 11 or 12, I realized I was attracted to boys instead of girls. I kept this to myself for a good six years as I knew it would only be another disappointment for my dad. We had never even spoken about the birds and the bees, let alone the bees and the bees! I told him when I was 17. I had thought he would kick me out of the house. Much to my surprise he put his arms around me and quietly said, "You'll always be my son."

In my early 20s I became ill with major depression and our relationship began to change. My dad helped me through a lot of the bad days, taking me to hospital appointments and encouraging me to stay positive.

After a few years of struggling with the illness, I met Nichiren Buddhism. As I chanted, I began to transform myself and see things as they really were. My relationship with my dad deepened.

Standing Up for Each Other
We began to open up to each other. He told me about how he'd struggled in his 20s and 30s when he was trying to support our family, saying a father loves all his children equally, that he had never ever compared me to my brother or thought I was a failure or wished I'd been different in any way. All he'd ever wanted was the best for me. I realized it was narrow-minded and selfish of me to think he didn't value me as a person. He had a full-time job, a wife and three young children to provide for. Through chanting and study I realized all the thoughts I had had about him came from my own insecurities and negativity.

After work one day he seemed really angry. I asked him what was wrong and he told me there was a woman at his work talking about how wrong and disgusting gay people were. He told me he'd stopped her in her tracks and said to her, "I have a gay son and you don't know what you're talking about. People don't choose to be gay; it's just part of who they are." I couldn't believe it.

As the years passed, I kept chanting; things slowly improved with my health, and my band managed to secure a support gig in front of a sold-out, 1,600-seat venue. My sister told me that when I walked out on stage, my dad sat quietly, smiling and crying with pride.

My dad had to retire a few years ago due to stress and I really chanted to be able to support him. With my own experience of mental illness, he seemed to open up and tell me his thoughts. The relationship I now have with my dad is amazing. He is my best friend. I make every moment count with him and support his life the best I can. The love between a father and son can often not be expressed. For me and my father it wasn't for many years, which led to misunderstandings and insecurities. I chant with deep gratitude every day that we are able to share this joy and respect for each other in this lifetime.

[Courtesy, January 2009 SGI Quarterly]